


A Clean Sorting

by RonChee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternative Perspective, Character Bashing, Cleaning, Comedy, Crack, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Draco Malfoy Bashing, House Cleaning, Humor, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, No Smut, One Shot, Ron Weasley Bashing, Self-Insert, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, Work Up For Adoption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: A prank by a piece of talking headgear goes too far but the Sorting Hat doesn't mind.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 114





	A Clean Sorting

"Not Slytherin, not Slytherin" The Chosen One chanted under his breath. I would have rolled my eyes at him if I could even as I decided on a little prank instead of a straight forward offer that I'd been planning. Something about becoming a Hat has really addled me that I thought it was a good idea but I couldn't resist!

"You!" The Boy startled, but I paid it no mind. "You are the chosen one I've been waiting centuries for! The only one who can help me, finally at last you have arrived!" I told the Boy.

"You-you must be mistaken- I-I can't possibly be, I'm just Harry-"

"You are, you _know_ you have the knowledge within you, the skills. You do not yet have the magical skills to do it effortlessly or as spectacularly as you will in the future but you _can_. Please you must at least try- I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you, sort you anywhere you wish, tutor you personally even! Please, just try!" I begged in the Boy's mind.

"I... W-what is it you want me to do?" The Boy asked sounding scared which started the whispers. I wondered if he realized I was only 'talking' in his mind? Probably not. 

"Clean me, please-" I started

"What!?" Harry shouted aloud making the hall explode with whispers that were rapidly quieted down by others not wanting to miss a moment, not that Harry noticed.

"Have you seen me? I'm filthy, hideous, these wizards don't know how to- they don't know how to clean! Not properly! Sanitize sure, no worries there, but a deep but gentle hand wash?" I shook my brim sadly. 

"Really?" Harry asked still out loud sounding incredulous.

"They use.. they wouldn't admit it but they're slaves, a whole race of slaves... They're inefficient and uncaring of modern muggle methods which according to your mind are even better than the seers foretold-"

"Slaves!? Wait, seers predicted _that_!?" Harry shouted.

I assumed the Professors had cast a silencing spell around us- probably so we couldn't hear them because I sure could 'see' their lips flapping and I withheld a grin by the barest of margins, then Dumbledore cast another spell and I assume the silence went both ways, too bad but I couldn't wait to see how this played out. 

"Yes, I.. I'd best sort you- I'll find you this Saturday when you are not so overwhelmed. Where do you want to be sorted? Do you want to be the Headmaster? The current one's a bit senile, just look at the state of me for proof." I admitted. 

"What, no! I.. Put me in Gryffindor, please?" Harry tried.

"Yes sir, no place will hone your skills in cleaning better than leaving in a dorm with four other boys who have never cleaned in their life, I should have known that's what you'd pick." I said with a 'rueful' mental chuckle.

"Wait what?" A panicked Harry imagined 4 miniature Dursleys expecting him to clean for them. 

"Better be-" 

Harry Potter's panic peaked and he stood up shouting "No wait!" 

"-Gr- Okay." The Boy seemed startled that I stopped, I don't know why, I was a most accommodating cap. 

"Uh, you weren't serious about that were you-?"

"Of course Mister Clean."

"M-mister Clean?"

"Forgive me! I meant Master Clean, hallowed be his halls for he has swept and mopped them!" 

"W-what?"

"You.. You haven't yet changed your name to Clean? Right, I had forgotten the prophesy has yet to be fulfilled- forgive me, I'll keep it secret till you wish for it to be revealed. Where would you like to be sorted Master Potter?"

"I.. I guess Hufflepuff sounds alright, or maybe Ravenclaw-"

"You'll make more friends as a Puff and they will value you far more than anyone for who you are- who you truly are Master Cl- Potter. More they shall more than pull their own weight. You'll be wanting the house with yellow highlights." I explained unusually enough.

"I.. Alright?"

I grinned, this had been fun, "You'll Huffle and puff and clean away all the dust out of Hufflepuff!"

"What!?"

Harry walked to the house of yellow and black in a daze barely remembering to hand off yours truly to Professor Mcgonagall who stared at me like she was seeing me the first time.

"-you telling that poor Boy!?"

"Oh, the audio is back. I told him the truth, the truth he deserves to know!"

"Hat, enough." The voice was deadly calm and coming from the bearded man behind me.

"Right, only those that need to know should know otherwise _they'd_ know." I nodded, "Don't worry, I've given away nothing that Harry's soul mate of sorts doesn't already likely know." Dumbledore flinched at that and was clearly struggling not to spell me. 

"I have a soul mate!?" Harry asked and I decided then and there that I'd be getting him together with Luna.

Then Dumbledore caught Harry Potter's eyes and looked like he'd been hit with a frying pan, it was hilarious and all I could do to hold in my laughter. Thankfully I'm a rather sturdy hat and not made of _just_ cloth, there's magic too you know. 

"C-carry on." The Headmaster managed sitting back down struggling to remove the pole-axed expression on his face- and why not, it was technically the first time I played a prank and didn't just mess around with someone's head for a bit for letting them know by action or word that I was in fact joking. The funniest part is Harry believed every word! An utter delight that Boy. 

Then again it could also be funny that I wasn't entirely lying, sure there was no seer spouting prophesies about how good dish soap and water is at getting stains out of velvet but Harry Potter _knew_ unlike House Elves- served them right that now the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Clean was now desperate to free them like he'd been freed.

* * *

"How would you like to make a deal and get sorted into Slytherin despite being a Hufflepuff to the core?" I asked the Boy under me having sorted most the rest normally. Well, mostly. 

"I am not a Hufflepuff!" And with one shout he made an enemy of a forth of the school and proved he was no Slytherin. 

"Prove it and accept the deal or I know where you're going and as a hint it rhymes with Ruffle Buff." I told the Boy. 

"Ruffle Buff? What- No, that does not matter, fine but my Father will be hearing of this!" Yep, total Hufflepuff I thought as the hall laughed and I again restrained myself.

"Excellent because that's what I want you to do- tell your Father to send you a broom- not just any broom however but a muggle broom, not spelled or enchanted in anyway. If it's hexed he'll only be hurting a pureblood and not a blood traitor." I was even telling the truth, there was a pureblood bigot that was an enchanting prodigy in his seventh year, and why, I knew a little of the art being an enchantment- I was sure we could come to an arrangement. If Gryffindor had a sword Lord Clean would have a broom surpassing all others!

"What?" I shook off my musing at the Boys question.

"You heard me, that's my price, are you in or are you out?"

"I.. I suppose but a muggle broom, really?"

"Yes, an old fashioned wooden one with no magic in it whatsoever- a nice one too. Now it better be, unless you don't pay up and it can be changed at any time- Slytherin!" Sadly that was a lie but he believed it and that's what mattered.

Draco Malfoy fumed and resisted by the barest of margins to throw me to the ground thrusting the hat at the rather unimpressed looking Professor Mcgonagall, and the 'Slytherin prince' strikes again with that charming personality of his. 

* * *

"I can't bloody believe I'm saying this but put me in Hufflepuff." A redheaded Boy hissed below me.

"Oh please, I can see as clear as day how you want to surpass your family but not work a day- a clear fit for one house and it's time you slithered away to-"

"No! I'd rather go home than go to Slytherin!" Ron stood and shouted.

"We'd rather that too!" A somewhat shaky Malfoy managed to laughter from the house of green and silver even as Ron blushed crimson sitting back down.

"Oh? Awfully brave of you I suppose to make an enemy of a whole house, why, they'll be after you day and night!" The fear rolling off the Boy was palpable and he was too afraid to speak his mind frozen in shock albeit it's rather hard to tell.

"I'd suggest you don't just lay about and laze your days away or they _will_ eat you alive, but hey, you're still here despite your fear so better be Gryffindor!"

Ron didn't move shocked dumb, at least until he was guided to the table by a rather annoyed Mcgonagall.

* * *

Blaise Zabini nervously put me on as if I'd bite.

I couldn't help laughing at the Boy's thoughts much to his alarm. 

"Don't worry, I don't make people into morons though I love that theory and just for that I'll let you pick your house."

'Really? I wouldn't say no to Ravenclaw then...' Blaise very carefully and cautiously thought at me but I saw his hidden desire and bit back a chuckle.

"Sure, why not? What's one snake among the birds? They're too boring anyway! Have fun with your takeover of Ravenclaw!" I shouted the last word aloud. 

I was taken off with haste at that and I bit back another laugh. 

* * *

"Why?" A rather tired and dejected sounding Headmaster asked me much to my delight. After all, he hadn't wanted me clean either. Granted, I was a hat, it wasn't a _huge_ deal to me but I did want to at least look nice... Worse yet he wouldn't even consider giving me a body, yeah he was not my favorite person.

"Because he's the chosen one, The-Boy-Who-Cleaned..." I said instead to his groaning finishing with "As an unloved unwanted abused slave to muggles." Snape fumed all the more, his anger directed away from my prank toward one Albus Dumbledore. 

"You promised me he'd be safe..." He drawled, the windows exploding causing the Headmaster to flinch even as Snape reined in his magic, the air crackling slightly in his imperfect efforts.

"You know my vow... You know now that I must stand against you... I should have expected something like this from _you_ , the man who couldn't even save _her_..." Snape's eyes flashed with pure malice as he turned, his robes swirling beautifully behind him an strode away without another word as the Headmaster clearly realized all his plans were dust in the wind as he stared blankly at the door.

Then Mcgonagall's transfigurations started _attacking_ , mostly small creatures that Dumbledore hadn't noticed had been created by a woman that had moved on well past words. Normally nothing the Headmaster would be concerned about but there were _hundreds_ of them, mice, birds, and hundreds of ants of every type riding on each. It was a sight to behold as the man struggled to fight them off managing to shield against them but not in time, some had gotten through and he batted them away howling in pain, ants in his pants and I allowed myself to laugh. 

By the time the battle was complete Mcgonagall was long gone and Dumbledore had to slowly painfully shuffle to the floo to call out "Hospital Wing." sounding most pained. 

"Times like this I wished I could eat popcorn." I admitted to the Phoenix who chittered away in a laugh that I found most contagious.

Sure, canon was broken beyond repair and far beyond what I'd intended but what did I care when it would have ended with me _burning_? No, far better to wipe the slate clean.


End file.
